To doubt or not to doubt, that is the..........

Good morning,

I hope everyone had an amazing weekend. I have to admit (not sure Ashley would agree) that this weekend was one of the more relaxing, stress weekends I have had in a while. For myself "stress free" might be a little different then some of you, or maybe you go through the same thing.

Stress free for me isn't about having nothing to worry about, taking a 4 hour nap, or even just doing what I want. Stress free for me is more about not getting frustrated by small things. Not getting agitated by too much noise or too many activities happening around me at once. It was sitting and enjoying my kid’s soccer games, sharing a meal with my family, playing legos with the little guy, going to church, and even mowing the lawn and fixing sprinklers. It was having a sense of calm and thankfulness.

I have been torn over the weekend about writing about this, but the whole point of this blog is share my thoughts and what I personally experience. So here we go. 👍

With Easter happening over the weekend I thought this is as good of time as any to share some insight as to what, and how, my relationship with God is. I have spent a little over 20 years not believing in God. I was definitely on the side of science. I wasn't against religion, I did feel it had its place in society, but it was for people who might need a little more help to be a good person.

August 30th, 2015 that stance on religion changed. I attended church by myself. I sat in the back row (as I am sure most new people to church do) and I sat and listened. During the sermon the Pastor for some reason just took a right hand turn and started talking about Genesis. It wasn't part of the intended sermon. It actually had nothing to do with the topic. He just felt God told him someone here needed to hear about how everything started. How there was an explanation for the questions someone was having. At that moment I believed. With the mindset of someone who believed in science and reason, everything had a logical explanation. In this case there wasn't a logical explanation. There wasn't a reason he would do that. At first I thought well maybe he does this every Sunday. I continued to attend this church and for over a year and half, it never happened again. So week after week, month after month, I believed more and more.

So this sounds like a common "saved" experience and I would agree. Someone comes to church and hear God's calling. Then over time they start to experience God more in their life. You start building a relationship with God. Now here comes the twist. Here comes the my relationship God part.

I don't want to say everyone with manic/bipolar tendencies feels or reacts this way, but for me this what happens. Not just this time, but with almost situations. As I found God, it made is easier for me to be right in my own mind. The thoughts of being right and knowing it no matter what the world felt, took on a new meaning. I was right and I didn't care what the world though, AND I heard it from God. Hard to argue with me now world!!! That is how it is when you have a swing to a high. You are on top of the world and you are so sure of everything and full of yourself.

Looking back on my walk with God over the last year and a half, there are a lot of questions running through my head. Not questions about my faith, but what I heard. Did I hear it? Was it God? Was it me convincing myself? Some of things I heard from "God" happened, and some crashed down to earth. Once I realized and had a better understanding of what I do and who I am during those high times, the doubt sets in.

Once I leveled back out again, I started reflecting on things. I could see where God, at times, was a tool for me during that high. A tool to prove my point. Seeing that, and understanding that you might think its good and will help, but quite the contrary. With self awareness comes more questions, more doubt. With every decision there is hesitation. Is this God I am hearing? I know the mistakes I made, and I certainly don't want to repeat them. So now it is even harder to have that relationship with God. Its's like living with a compulsive liar, but in this case I am the liar. A liar to myself. Well at least I was, so now I question myself. When I hear what I think is God, am I just lying to myself?

It's difficult struggle as I continue my relationship with God. Everyday comes new questions and wonders. To anyone who might be feeling something like this my only suggestion is to pray. Really PRAY!!! I can't say that enough. Pray!!!  You may still question what you are hearing, but praying brings a sense of peace. For myself, if I pray and continue to pray the better the outcome. The longer I take to pray and reflect on the issue, the better the outcome tends to be.

I do hope everyone had an amazing weekend and Easter. Thank you for stopping by. If you have any feedback or comments, feel free to comment or send a note via the comment option on the right.

Have a great week everyone.

Don't look out only for your own interest, but take an interest in others, too. 

Philippians 2:3

Welcome to the CMBB

Thank you for stopping and visiting my blog. This is my first blog so we will see how it goes. I wanted to start with some prefaces. I thought this might help shed some light on where I have been, what I am doing, and we will see together where I will go.

So about me. If you couldn't tell by the title, I am a Christian and also manic/bipolar. You may not understand why I describe myself in that way, but hopefully through this blog you will have a better understanding of what it is like. I am 37 years old. I was born, raised, and reside in Idaho. I grew up on a small farm and I use the term "farm" loosely. We had some horses and cows. We grew grass and alfalfa. We also farmed other land as well. I graduated high school in 1998. I attended two semesters at BSU, but decided the college life wasn't for me. I have been married twice. The second marriage to my current amazing wife. She has stuck by me through all of it. I have put this woman through hell, but she still has a smile for me. I have three, also amazing, kids. Two are in middle school and one thinks he is, even though he is 3. I have owned a couple businesses, and closed a couple businesses. Reflecting on my life it has a broad spectrum of experiences, some good, some bad, but I do know I look forward to the rest of my days with a new perspective and outlook on life. Enough about me. Here is what this blog is all about....


I want this blog to be honest. I want this to be an open book to my life, feelings, challenges, etc...I will try to make this a blog about my everyday life. Somethings you will like, others will bore you. Lol. I will share stories or information you may not have know. With that said, there are some inner details that should not be shared. So please understand I am not hiding anything, but not all the details need to be said.

I have made many poor decisions, made a lot of mistakes, hurt a lot of people, and disappointed myself a lot. I also feel I have done a lot of good, helped a lot people, have had a positive impact in the world, and have a few shining moments I am proud of. I found God in August of 2015. It has been a long road to try and understand my relationship with God. I won't lie, being bipolar makes it challenging at times to know what YOU are hearing, and what GOD is telling you. I have found that the more I pray, read devotionals, and read my bible, the more at peace I seem to be. Now if I can just remember to do all of those.

So here is where that honesty part comes in. I have cheated in both of my marriages, I have lied to my spouse, family, friends. I have fought and argued so much that people gave up reasoning with me. I have been rude. I have yelled at people. I have intentionally broken things.  I have at times turned by back to world. I have allowed addictions (not drug or alcohol) to take a hold of my life. Sometimes this would last for weeks or even months. I have wasted so much time and energy on material items that have zero meaning. So I guess what I am trying to say is in reflection I have been a real jerk who's decisions have affected a lot of people in a very negative way.

So why write and share this? Well for a couple reasons (some selfish):

1. To help myself cope and become a better person
2. To hold myself accountable
3. So my wife and lovely bride can be proud of the man she married and stuck with all these years
4. To hopefully help someone else realize that maybe they are having the same issues I was/am having and make changes in their life
5. So my children some day can see that their father messed up a lot, and hopefully they can learn by mistakes, but also that he loves them unconditionally
6. So a label of being Manic/Bipolar does not define who I am, but allow people to see how I am 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and thank you for taking the time to follow along the journey. I can't say how often I will post, or if any of it will be worth reading for that matter. 😊 But truly I thank you for all the support, feedback (negative or positive) and for sharing this blog with anyone you think could benefit from it. I will leave you with this Bible verse.


Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 NLT